There comes a time when the human heart stops beating. Soon after, if not before, brain activity ceases. The body is dead.
Until this point, the body is alive. Comas and paralysis snuff most of the body’s function prior to death. But even a person paralyzed in all four limbs, can make eye contact and sometimes even form words. Despite this reduced state, the power to communicate as human to human remains in the subtle movements of the eye muscles. It is not the eye which communicates, but it is the function of the eye which allows the person to communicate from within.
I’ve given a little thought to Jason’s Schnarr’s battles with paranoid thinking, depression and bi-polar swings. I believe these conditions caused his perceptions to alternate between feelings of immense responsibility for everything wrong all around him and profound hopeless about his own state and ability to adequately respond. I don’t know the experiences in his head, but one can easily imagine how terrible this trap is. In one moment to be shown incredible, inhuman tasks with a sense of desperate urgency and in the next moment be confronted with a sense of personal impotence and depravity.
Those of us who knew him from the outside may wonder, what part of the Jason we interacted with was real? How much of our relationship was merely a relationship with his illness?
I don’t think there is a simple answer to this question but I like to keep a couple ideas in mind.
If Jason was physically paralyzed in all four limbs we could not have received a hug. We might not have even been able to hear his voice or consider his articulated thoughts. But, we would understand that we did have a relationship, facilitated through eye contact, and perhaps an occasional smile. The point this illustrates is that for much of his life, and even in his last weeks, Jason was still there. There were moments, at least, if not whole conversations and interactions, when the clouds were sufficiently parted in his mind to be in relationship as human to human.
Jason definitely had times of mental absence. He also had times when he was so agitated that he couldn’t stand still or interact with people in his life. I had conversations with Jason where whole sections seemed distorted by an untenable fear or suspicion. But I did have a relationship with Jason. I had a relationship which I consider to have been very important and powerful.
One of the reasons I know my relationship was real is by observing the impact he had on myself and others. At times Jason held the attention of a whole room by some quality in his soft-spoken, public tone. He frequently inspired and guided a friend with his insights in a private conversation. Other times Jason would light up a crowd with his intensely expressed music or warm the heart of one of his children as he brought his gentle attentiveness to bear.
For me this is proof that Jason was not entirely shrouded in a coma. People are not touched or deeply and positively moved by contact with madness. The work that Jason did inside himself, which he sometimes described as struggles, dark clouds or battles was not merely the warfare of madness. His look, his tone of voice, and his thoughtful mind would not have struck, challenged and encouraged the people around him if he was only experiencing a purposeless world of psychosis.
Who knows where the lines are between madness and lucidity? Thinking back on a couple conversations, I have no idea what to call disease and what to call Jason. And I suppose, this is true for everyone. When are you interacting with me rather than with my lust, food addiction, need to impress, depression, etc? It is hard to tell.
This is one, of many, specific things that I admire about Jason. Up until the end of his life, he fought, with much success, to keep track of the line between the content of paranoia he was experiencing and the actual, demonstrable facts and realities he could test and count on. This is difficult work, for anyone, let alone for a person who has a mind effected by disease.
Brian
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